Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
