is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
