Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
