Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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