3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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