my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
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