Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize