my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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