allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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