i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
