I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
this beer tastes like vomit already
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Dating After Heartbreak
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.