After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
