Im at strip club and am horny
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
