There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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