I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
