3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
