i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
