I faked an abortion last night.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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