when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
