I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
