There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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