remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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