whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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