2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
