I have demons in me.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
pray to the hookup gods
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
