According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
