i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
