wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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