Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
