i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
