he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
