In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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