Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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