took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
