I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
