omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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