im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
