I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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