remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
tell me about the eggs
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
