Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
