Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
