Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
