You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
