I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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