Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
