Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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