I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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