don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
