I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
