I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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