There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
