saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
