Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
