I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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