So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
