I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
