the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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