Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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