But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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