Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
