i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
