not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
