Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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