I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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